You Don’t Know What You’ve Got

My best friend killed herself, and I told myself my fight for suicide prevention had nothing to do with my grief.

For nearly a year and a half, I researched every related topic, every keyword, every article and news link, every way suicide correlated with her life or mine. I dug into her past. I dug into my past. I encountered the next death and I didn’t even blink.

Suicide number ___, in my mind. Lost hope. Lost battles to cancer. Drug overdoses. Loss number ___.

I searched every hashtag. I followed, bookmarked, and connected with every organization and professional available to me. College work would be due, I’d go to research a topic, no matter what it was, I landed on suicide-related things. I collected articles I didn’t have access to otherwise. I didn’t stop. I couldn’t stop.

Neither could death by family member number four or suicide number three. But it didn’t faze me. I’d Google, tweet, research, and write; collect obituaries and pretend to breathe. I told myself it wasn’t grief; it was motivation. It was going to make something of me.

Nicole, Debbie, Nicholas, Danny, Shawn, Robert, Daniel, Kay, I collected names. That hasn’t stopped. Neither have I. And I thought I needed some explanation, some defense to be driven — to be inspired by loss. I searched for validation. I fought for a purpose, a noble cause.

I became a sponge. I absorbed all of the loss around me until I felt like a fraud. Like with the death of Linkin Park’s lead singer, Chester Bennington. It’s not like I knew the guy personally. But it pained my heart as I read The Guardian headline informing the world of the next “suspected suicide” loss on recently deceased Chris Cornell‘s birthday.

The word “suicide” still makes my heart skip a beat. It still makes me sink to my knees. And I find myself lost in my own grief again, asking myself if the fight is worth it, asking myself if I’m just grieving or crazy, not intelligent or driven; asking myself if I’m broken or what.

The answer comes faster each time:

I’m grieving and I’m learning and I’m fighting for life.

Maybe that’s all we stand to gain from our losses. Knowledge and hope. A reminder to live.

And maybe, someday, peace of mind.


#RIPChester

If you are feeling hopeless or suicidal, please reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or text HELLO to the Crisis Text Line, 741-741. You can also visit suicide.org for international resources and listings.

 

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